I found God in myself
and I loved her
I loved her fiercely 
- Ntozake Shange

I’m a man…but I do not know fully of what that entails.

I grow weary of “Be a better man” sort of books, or themes such as “Wild at Heart” that teach me to not be a “wimpy nice guy” and become the man made in the Image of God…and discover my “authentic masculinity”, which these days, seems kind of threatening.

So, I wonder, how scholars, preachers, authors know so much about “authentic masculinity” – Knowing now that in the world of a male, it all differs and it all shifts. How one man sees himself as a man could be obviously different from the other. This is why it seems difficult to propose to an audience that all men need to get back their “authentic masculinity”.

I’m reading Sue Monk Kidd’s, “Dance of the Dissident Daughter” and I want to scream and kick my feet it’s so good. It’s my wife, Hannah’s book – and it’s filled with stars and underlines and words she’s written such as, “…progress”. In the midst of it all, I better understand her heart and the shift that began to take her on a journey of her own feminist spirituality.

Now, I can’t be a woman. Well, these days you can, but for the sake of this story, let’s just keep it at face value. I used to argue with Hannah and say I couldn’t fully be a feminist because I was a man, but I’m learning this is not true.

And though I call myself a feminist, I’m still working on it. Most days I’m in a constant state of construction. I look at different interactions and I wonder if it goes deeper than I imagine. 

I wonder if this “authentic masculinity” I’m apparently in “need” of finding, is oppressive to women? Certainly a Christian author would have kept this in mind, right? I’m sure I just need to read the book, and I’d get a better vision of what he is saying to his fellow, “men of God”.

Kidd writes about her “waking up” from a deep sleep – a sleep that kept her from fully embracing her feminist spirituality: “When a woman wakes up, it’s not experienced in isolation. Her family, the people she’s closest to, will be thrust into the experience as well, because it’s not just the woman who’s expecting a new life. In a way, the whole family is pregnant.”

I was shocked to learn that in the beginnings of Christianity, the church fathers debated whether or not women had souls. Then the issue was whether or not a woman’s soul could be saved – in which the word, “…progress” appears in the margin.

I had a debate a long time ago about women teaching in the church. I had some folks write loads of scripture on why women aren’t allowed to teach in the church and why men are always referred to in roles of the “head”, as women are supposed to wait patiently for the superhero husbands to return from their journeys of sharing the Gospel. 
It’s hard to when this, as a post-fundamentalist who knows what the scriptures say about “women keeping their voices quiet” – that women are “second in creation and first to sin” [if you need it, check out 1 Timothy 2:11-14]

I don’t remember Jesus referring to a “woman’s place” – but I could obviously be mistaken. 

I’m a man. What does that mean for me?

It’s such a new journey for me. I’m still unraveling the knots that society and unfortunately, some church(ing), has made in the way I see women.

When we were going through marriage counseling, I was glad to talk about submission – that oh-so-sensitive thing that takes place in most vows. But I was so thankful to learn about the peace of equal submission. I was told that I could even go as far to say that men are to be more of a servant, as Jesus calls us to be. 

I don’t believe that God is a monster. I also can’t assume anymore that God is fully man – or any specified gender. I do know that God is a God of love, justice, dignity and equality. 

It’s about freedom from oppression, not the rules that bind us to be slaves in a world of terrible masters.

And as Sue Monk Kidd writes, “The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live.”

Waking…from that hibernation…and pregnant with a new sense of freedom.